Dueling shopping carts

Road rage doesn't just happen on a highway anymore....

I went to the grocery store yesterday and it was the equivilent to driving in Mexico, at night, after a bull fight. Oh ya!

I push my cart to the baking aisle and I screech to a halt as I peer down the long aisle that is now deep in carts and angry shoppers. I couldn't turn back...I must buy chopped pecans, marshmallows, and evaporated milk. I inch down slowly cutting my eyes in all directions. The enemy was all around me and I had to remain calm and in control. I spy the chopped nuts and glide my basket towards it. A lady, probably in her 50's, is straddling the shelf with her feet planted ten feet apart, arms outstretched, and eyes madly dancing back and forth. I waited for my turn, but she wouldn't relent her spot. She owned it and wouldn't stop looking through the bags of nuts until she found the perfect one. I see my opening and thrust my hand into enemy territory. I mumble "excuse me" and make a mad grab for the pecans. My fingers grasp two bags and I pull back abruptly. I clench the bags in my fist and raise it for victory.

The marshmallows would be harder, because the damn store has the marshmallows on the shelf below the pudding. Three people were picking through the boxed pudding...for what I will never know. One guy was on his cell and he was irritated. The pudding was all mixed up - instant with non-instant, name brand with non-name brand - it was anarchy on that shelf. I could tell he was talking to his wife about the pudding and he was trying to find the exact one she needed....french vanilla, no sugar added, instant, Jello brand. I knew he was ready to blow and one move from me would be the catalyst. I decided that the only way for me to get those marshmallows was to do a duck and dive. Again I mumbled an excuse me, then I pointed down the aisle to catch him off guard and then I ducked and then dived in for the bag. It was a close one, but I was victorious once again.

I knew I had to get out of there, but more shoppers had flocked to this aisle and there was no escape. My cart wheeled in front of me out of control, the tires squeeled on the linolium, my hands propelled the cart as if my magic. It was demolition derby, a bull fight, and a wrestling match all rolled up into one. I blacked out for a few minutes and when I awoke I was at the check out placing my goods on the conveyer. I still have no memory of the last few minutes in that store, but maybe I am too emotionally scarred to relive the trama. Next year I will do my shopping early...I think I really will this time!

Foul mouthed shoppers, road rage, and santa claus

Yes, the holidays are here once again.


Well, I did a little shopping today at Best Buy. I had one item to buy...a USB cable. You wouldn't think a cable would be such a difficult item to buy, would you? It started with the parking. Cut off twice from parking spaces (I had my blinker on...isn't that a cardinal rule anymore?) I circled around like a buzzard looking for fresh kill. The driver behind me became annoyed with me because I refused to run over pedestrians as they crossed our path. The driver decided to pull around me and cut me off. I honked and people paused to stare. The glimmer in their eyes suggested a soft hope that a fight would break out. Yup...it's Christmas. The rude driver ended up being an 80 year grandma taking the grandkids out for a fun shopping trip. So, I asked her "Don't you want cars to stop for your grandkids when they are crossing the street?". She replied that it was all an innocent mistake and that I should go to hell. Well, I kept an eye on her in the store while keeping my distance. I just knew that if I lost her in the crowd I would find myself shived in the back - probably by her knitting needles. 80 years old or not, you just never know nowadays. I found the port I needed in a matter of minutes but I needed to ask the store rep a question before my purchase. I know, how bold on my part to waste the store clerks time on my $20.00 purchase...they had digital camcorders and plasma TV's to sell for gosh sakes! Well, being the bold and self centered person I am, I sought out the advice of an expert. This expert was helping someone so I politly waited for my turn. Wouldn't you know that a guy walks up behind the sales clerk (I am waiting patiently in front of her) and tells her he needs help. There they go traipsing down the aisle and all I need is the answer to one question. I yell "DUDE, I was here first". Where did I come up with 'Dude'? Anyway, the two stop and I get my question answered. The line to purchase my port was 20 minutes long and my entire shopping experience took 2 hours. As I made my way outside the store I see a line of people all bundled up from the cold sitting in lawn chairs against the building. Curious, I ask why they are there. Well, the store is raffling off the new X-Box in ten hours and they were waiting for their chance. Feeling a sense of accomplishment at the purchase of my USB Port, I yell out encouragement to the wierdos waiting for the raffle. I wanted them to feel that it was all worth it.

Plug me in Scotty

Okay, no PC for 16 days. I have to admit that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There were a couple of times that I started to scratch my arm like a junkie, but I made it through. I got on a computer one time...it had DSL...the keyboard called to me...the keys tapped and jingled in that way only a good keyboard can do. Unfortunatley I was using someone else's PC and had five minutes to get on and off. I thought to myself ( as my hands shook), should I overtake this person..lock them in a closet and web dance my way to site after site like a starving man in Luby's?? It would be worth it, but alas I decided against the deed.

Actually, being unplugged was kinda nice. My headaches went away - the kind caused from pressing your eyeballs up to the monitor for hours on end. I used the old fashioned way of communicating...my vocal cords, and I had the satisifaction of knowing that I could quit the cold addiction of computers whenever I wanted to. So, what did I do on my first day back??? You guessed it!